Emo

What the hell do you do when you're in too much pain to sleep but are too damn tired to stay awake properly?

I spent the last hour lying in bed crying as quietly as possible to myself so as not to wake Rambo but it got boring pretty fast and when I finally realised what the music that had been playing through my head for the last hour was* I just had to laugh, and get up so I could do that downstairs away from sleeping boyfriends.

The pain seems to be hitting me extra-hard lately, but I don't really think the pain's gotten worse in itself (hanging around 7.5 at the minute). I was just so sure that I was going to finally get to see the rheumatologist this time and so sure that he'd be able to give me some stronger painkillers and that they might actually work. I'm just...completely crushed by having that ripped away from me once again. I can't deal with this pain forever, I've been holding on because I knew I would have some pain relief soon, but that 'soon' never quite gets here and I'm slowly deteriorating in the meantime.

Spent the last few days in the kind of depression where I'm wondering what the hell the point of living is if this is what my life is going to be like - scratch that - if this is as good as my life will get. I'm slowly getting worse all the time and I will never be better than this.

I'm not going to kill myself or anything, put the phone down, I don't need the police to come check on me. I won't, because I know how upset that would make some people (and also because I'm fucking terrified of both death and the pain that comes with it. Yes, you heard me, I am living with pain 24/7 and am still TERRIFIED of any pain whatsoever.)

But I can't help thinking, at the moment, how damn selfish those people are for wanting me to keep living when I'm in this much pain.





*I'm much too young to feel this damn old.