I'm Such a Crybaby

In the middle of a POTS flare, so having difficulty with being upright and difficulty with lightheadedness and brain fog and headaches and all that crap. Can't really think straight. Feeling like crap for getting a puppy when I can't look after her during flares like this. Feeling like the most horrible person in the world. Then Rambo makes me feel even worse for daring to ask him for help with things and to request a clean fork to eat my dinner with, and then my sister starts on at me about 'final utility bills' from when she was living here that the company wants her to pay before she can close her account and pass it over to us. We already gave her rent for the month those bills are from and our rent included utilities, but she's insisting we should help her with these bills. I don't have a spare £80 to give her and I can't think straight enough to deal with finances anyway.

I think I need some sleep. Maybe some ice-cream first to get my temperature down a bit, that'll help the POTS.

This crying won't help my headaches though. I should really quit being such a fucking crybaby, it's getting ridiculous. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a day where I didn't cry and it's always for such stupid idiotic reasons.

I Love Moxie and Moxie Loves Me <3

I have been terrible at the blogging lately, but I make no apologies! I been spending all my spoons on the Moxie and have no regrets about it. She's so wonderful she deserves 'em all. I could go on for hours about how awesome Moxie is but I won't - I'll just tell you that she's incredibly smart but it's very difficult to train a dog properly when other people in the house undo it all! Puppies need consistency!

Anyhow, what else has been going on? What was the last thing I told you guys? I forget. Hmmm. Well, last time I went to the doctor she took me off Tramadol with its stupid side effects and we discussed the fact that I've reached the limit of non-morphine-based painkillers and have still had no actual gain from any of them. Is difficult to move onto stronger ones due to not only politics and bureacracy but the fact that people very quickly develop tolerances to morphine-based ones so even if they did help me at first the dose would have to be upped frequently. I'm getting quite worried about this lack of painkillers thing, not so much for right now, (although it is annoying that I am basically functional enough that working painkillers right now would very possibly mean I was able to work again, for a few years at least), but more the fact that I know I'm going to get so much worse in the future and I'm terrified of not having painkillers then.

Anyway, we're trying alternate methods for now - 10mg Amitryptiline at night to help 'control' pain rather than kill it. Not entirely sure how helpful it is as it has the side effect of making me sleep for anywhere from 11-14 hours a night. I normally sleep 8-10 but even setting alarms and getting up after a 'normal' night's sleep, I can manage to stay awake a couple hours but then I end up falling asleep on the sofa for a further couple of hours. Am also sleeping a lot deeper than I normally do which means not moving so much during the night which is sort of good on my joints but bad on my muscles and I'm not entirely sure that the trade-off is worth it. My (acute) pain level might be slightly lower but I'm sleeping tons and am exhausted and drowsy and achy all day. Overall pain level pretty much the same.

Of course, looking after Moxie doesn't help with the aching and exhaustion, but she's worth it!

Sister is definitely not helping. She's been making a habit of barging into my house every day (without knocking, and using a key she stole off my Dad) just to tell me how disgustingly untidy it is and how unfair it is to have a puppy in these living conditions and that she's going to report me if I don't clean it up. Yo-yo-ing between feeling like a horribly bad person for daring to have a puppy when I can't look after her and just being pissed off with her because I know damn well that my puppy has a wonderful home. She's looked after, she's well fed, she's loved, she has toys, she has someone at home with her all day every day (unlike certain dogs I know that get left alone for 10 hours a day while owners are at work) and so what if the house is untidy? It's not unclean and none of the untidiness is anywhere that she can get to. The only things on the floor are cushions, a beanbag (her bed) and dog toys! And dog bowls. And newspaper. Which gets changed everytime she makes a mess. Moxie has an awesome home; other dogs would be jealous.

I'd get the locks changed so she can stop making me cry every day but I'd end up giving the new key to my Dad anyway, and she'd just steal that one as well. Fucking woman.

My Sister Drives Me Crazy

Sister just gave me a 'talking to' about me possibly not being able to afford rent next month because I 'spent all my money on crap'. I honestly can't believe her sometimes. The only reason I'm even slightly worried about money at the minute is because her and Dad have been demanding money off me for no other reason than that they can. Guilt-tripping me into handing over money that I don't have and then telling me off for spending the money that I did have before that just isn't on. I wouldn't have spent it (despite, you know, needing things for medical reasons) if I'd known I'd end up giving the rest away...

I'm such a fucking pushover sometimes. But they always manage to make me feel as if I'm the wrong somehow when I say 'no'; as if I'm some horrible ungrateful bitch. I don't get how that works. I really fucking don't.

I feel like moving to another country just to escape my family sometimes. Spain, maybe. I don't know if they have medicinal marijuana laws, but I do know that it's legal to grow my own there nonetheless. No family + working painkillers? Sounds like heaven. Now I just need to learn some Spanish and find Rambo a job over there.