Speedy

The Music Man moved in today. Took him out to the nearest shops and everything to show him around, and uhhh...teach him to steer my chair. I swear, between the two of them, TMM and Rambo are gonna break it within a week. They can't touch it without feeling the need to run as fast as possible and jump on the back. Two problems with that; one - it's meant to carry 18 stone max, I weigh 13 and I doubt either of them weigh as low as 5; two - it seems to reach a breaking point around 10mph where it goes from running really smoothly to shaking like mad with no warning. Oh, and three, actually - they don't fucking slow down for kerbs. Gonna break me doing that, let alone the chair. Gone flying out of the chair three times already and I've had it for two fucking days.

It's quite fucking scary not being in control of your own movement, you know. I flinch at everything.

That's not to say I don't love my chair; I do. Really. It's fucking awesome being able to go outside the house for longer than 15 minutes without needing to sit down and without having to collapse and nap when I get home.

...I just really wish they could calm down and act normal for a little bit. I don't mind them fucking around occasionally, but the majority of the time it's just scary and annoying and often painful. On my wrists, that is. I keep bracing myself every time I get jolted. I fall on my wrists when I get knocked out of the chair. Etc etc. So all the pain I've avoided in my feet/ankles/knees/hips/back has just been transferred to my wrists, heh. Oh, I also got my toes hit a few times before I learned to hide my feet behind the footrests when things got scarily close.

Maybe they're doing it to avoid the embarrassment of pushing someone in a wheelchair? I don't know why that would be embarrassing, but Rambo at least seems to find it so. It's been pretty bad for me but I've been pushing through it, putting a happy face on, making jokes, laughing at myself, and just telling myself over and over that there's nothing wrong with me being in the chair - I need it. But it's still pretty damned difficult running into people who've not seen me in the chair before and don't really understand, and even more difficult when I get out of the chair for whatever reason. I feel like people are going to start screaming at me for being a fraud. Fuck, they don't even need to scream, just the idea of them thinking that is enough to freak me out. Stupid goddamn mental scars.

I AM NOT A FRAUD.

^Just repeating that for my own benefit, not yours. I need reminding at times. So many years of having it drilled into my head that I'm faking it and there's nothing wrong with me and it's all in my head...hard to shake.

Uhmmm, I didn't mean for this to get depressing. This was all an aside. I was talking about The Music Man moving in. Yeah. Uhhh, what was I saying about that? Fibro fog distracted me. Fuck it, if it's important I'll remember it later.