Feeling Very Happy

*WARNING - Post may contain mature content*

I eventually got around to making Rambo read The Spoon Theory last night. That's something I've wanted to do for a long time but I always feel as if that would constitute me whining about it, y'know? I hate complaining, and I try my hardest not to even mention it* unless I physically can't do something and have to ask for help. But uhh, we had a bit of an argument the night before about the fact that I seem to always be talking about it, which kind of felt like a slap in the face as, like I just said, I make a huge conscious effort to not complain or even mention it. I had a bit of a rant to the folks over at BYDLS about this and we came to the conclusion that the problem was that he just didn't understand that I can't just not talk about it ever because it's always there and it doesn't just take a break because he's sick of hearing about it.

So I linked him The Spoon Theory, along with some rather depressing writings of mine from the past year of me trying to come to terms with this, to try and let him know how I feel as I utterly suck at explaining things to people. I wrote those to no-one in particular, just for the sake of writing them, and therefore didn't have a problem writing them down. It was difficult even linking them to him, but I was upstairs on the laptop and just linked them over msn then went to bed so I wouldn't have to talk to him about it, heh.

Couple hours later, I'd still not managed to get to sleep due to worrying about how he was going to react and whether or not he was just going to get annoyed with me for whining and for making him read such depressing stuff, he comes up to bed...and tells me that he was going to bring all the spoons in the house up to bed for me but he thought that would maybe a bit over the top. Then I cried at him, because I was so happy that he would actually take the time to read all of that for me, and not tell me off for whining, and we stayed up talking until five in the morning, about everything. About the fact that I need a wheelchair, and screw all the people and the reasons that I'm feeling so freaked out and embarrassed and anxious and downright fraudulent about it. About the fact that a Tempur mattress would be incredibly awesome and pain-relieving for me, but they're ridiculously expensive. About the fact that sex hurts and quite often breaks me, and how much I fucking hate that because I hate having to say no to him and I hate not knowing whether or not it will be fine or if it will dislocate my hip and leave me in utter agony and unable to do anything for the whole next day and I hate the fact that I quite often get ridiculously horny when I'm too broken to do anything about it. He told me off for that, because he said that he should be able to do something about it even if my hips were too bad for actual sex, but I explained how that hurts as well and just leaves me sore due to the fibromyalgia problems and we talked about vibrators and why the hell I didn't have one (mainly due to feelings of guilt on my part that Rambo should be good enough for me and I shouldn't need one). Then we discussed various positions and how we could possibly do things without breaking me, which involved trying all of them out. Found a fairly good position, and had the best damned sex we've managed to have in years.

He also insisted I buy the wheelchair I've been looking at and agonising over whether or not I should buy it for the past couple weeks. So this morning I ordered myself an awesome purple wheelchair...and a vibrator for when I'm broken but still horny. Very eagerly anticipating deliveries now.





*I meant IRL, not here. Blogs were made for whining!