Car Crash

Sooo, I'm terrified of driving.

Always have been. This possibly stemmed from having a crazy mother who drove a shitty little mini that was prone to breaking down in the middle of the road pretty much every day. Or it may have stemmed from the fact that I actually understand statistics*, and realise that a) most people are stupid, b) most people drive, c) most car accidents are caused by stupid people, and d) the chance of you being in a car accident at some point is pretty ridiculously high. Or it may have been some combination of the two.

I've never considered it a phobia as it wasn't an irrational fear. As I've just explained, cars are fucking terrifying and that's a perfectly rational, logical thing. What's less logical is me trying to train myself out of this fear and trying to make myself trust people's driving skills. I'm thinking that was a bad idea.

See, last night we were driving along a country road in the dark and the rain. This is partly because the dual-carriageway we would normally take was closed and the satnav refused to recalculate in any way other than continually trying to get us back onto that dual-carriageway by forcing us down country roads every time we got turned away from the turning we wanted to take by traffic cones and shit; partly because we'd driven all the way down from Manchester and were only 3 miles away from Rambo's Dad's place (our destination) and weren't gonna be stopped by a little bit of rain and/or dark when we were that close. Nor would we be stopped by the road being closed.

What we would be stopped by, apparently, was a tree.

I can't really tell you much about the situation leading up to this tree collision as, being utterly terrified of this whole driving thing, let alone this extra-terrifying driving-in-the-wet-and-dark thing, I had my eyes firmly shut and had resolved to do keep them that way until we got there.

Then I heard a 'shit' from Rambo, opened my eyes, saw a tree, thought 'Oh shit we're ACTUALLY going to hit that' (as opposed to all the other times I opened my eyes during this drive to see something or other that we were in no way going to hit and thinking 'oh shit we're going to hit that' before promptly closing my eyes again and telling myself to trust Rambo), heard a bang, felt some pain, and kind of sat there taking stock of my various joints to make sure they were all in place whilst Rambo shouted at me to 'Get out of the fucking car!' - surprisingly, all joints remained firmly within their various sockets at this point.

After being yelled at twice by Rambo and once by the person whose house this tree was in front of to get out of/away from the car, I figured 'screw it' and got out and away from the car despite my aching leg and lack of shoes (because shoes are evil torture devices and having had to endure them all the way TO the car I will immediately take them off until we reach our destination), managed to hobble over to the garden steps of the woman-whose-house-this-tree-was-in-front-of (aka; the-woman-we-woke-up or even the-woman-who-called-the-ambulance-and-police), and sat there in a state of terrified shock and pain until Rambo fetched me the wheelchair out of the boot so I could sit in a state of terrified shock and pain on something that wasn't wet and muddy. Then woman-we-woke-up-who-called-the-polica-and-ambulance's neighbours came out with an umbrella for me and some tea for Rambo (I think they offered me a mug but I was busy being in lots of shock and pain and mayyy have snapped at them to stop asking me questions - if so I apologise for that, lovely people who offered tea and whose umbrella I accidentally stole).

Eventually, round about the time when I was getting rather sick of shock and pain and was moving on to boredom, the police and an ambulance got there. Lovely paramedic asked me a bunch of questions - some of them repeatedly, because he refused to believe that I hadn't hit my head at all and needed to keep checking. Then wheeled me into the ambulance, helped me transfer onto the bed/stretcher/thing/(what is that called?) in there, got annoyed with me for having no conditions that he had actually heard of or knew how to spell, made me laugh, got told off for making me laugh as my stomach hurt (note - I had my laptop on my lap in the car as earlier I'd been using totally-not-scary-because-it's-not-moving traffic to write (totally blame NaNo curse for this) and airbag jammed it into my stomach quite badly), offered opiates, got more annoyed with my awkwardness when I explained they didn't work on me, then gave me laughing gas** and proceeded to spend the rest of the journey making me giggle without being told off, and telling me over and over again to take more despite the fact that the reason I kept stopping was to answer the questions he kept asking me.

Theeeeen we got to the hospital, and lovely paramedics had to go away and take my nice laughing gas with them. Hospital staff refused to give me anymore, and instead offered me paracetamol and some bullshit weak opiate that I was long past bothering to try on even my normal pain. Without the laughing gas my pain rose to an 8 and then steadily up to a 9, at which point I started crying uncontrollably because that's what I do at a 9. Then they made me lie around waiting for hours. I'm not sure why. An hour or so later a nurse tried to take my blood, failed, got another nurse to try it who also failed (they both tried on both arms so that's 4 unnecessary holes in me). The second nurse came to the conclusion that stopping me from shivering with cold (remember how I'd walked on bare feet through the wet a couple hours ago and then sat in the rain for ages before the ambulance got there? Yeah, nobody thought to get me a blanket or anything (except Rambo, but as he got me that in the rain it was then soaking wet and got thrown on the floor of the ambulance)) might be a good idea. Then they left me alone under warm blankets for another hour or so. The warm blankets don't stay warm that long and I was freezing again after only ten minutes, but nobody came back for another hour.

Anyway, hour later and finally got to see a doctor, who asked me where it hurt and then, completely ignoring me crying hysterically and pleading with him not to, proceeded to press down extremely hard over pretty much everywhere I was bruised. I may or may not have screamed. I'm not sure. Everything goes a bit blurry when the pain hits a 10 and I'm not precisely aware of anything but the pain. I do know that he spiked my previously-considered-to-be-at-a-9 pain even higher after he'd stopped. I had to re-evaluate my scale a bit to be able to call this a 9 as I sobbed uncontrollably (different to crying uncontrollably - that's a normal reaction to a 9 for me but usually involves no sobbing whatsoever as if I'm at a 9 then sobbing will do nothing but make it worse...which it did, but I still couldn't stop). Then presumably due to possible-screams (still not sure on that - will have to ask Rambo), a nurse brought me some morphine, despite it very clearly saying on the notes the doctor had been handed by paramedics that opiates DO NOT WORK on me. I had the morphine, doctor did an ultrasound on my stomach while I sobbed a lot and couldn't speak, then told me I could leave once the morphine kicked in.

...

Yeah, once that thing that doesn't work on me works I can leave.

...

So anyway, an hour later Rambo finally manages to get a hold of someone to ask them what the fuck they think they're doing, and doctor comes back and basically tells me to gtfo***. Nurse apologises that she can't give anything else to help with the pain. Rambo tries to explain that I cannot physically get up because the pain in my abdomen means I can't bend, and the subluxed ankle and swollen shin mean I can't walk, and I have no shoes on, and I don't have my wheelchair there. Doctor says we can take a wheelchair out to the taxi ramp outside, and once again basially tells me to gtfo.

...

By this point the back pain of being in a hospital bed coupled with the pain of being poked and prodded and subluxated by various doctors and nurses has me pissed off, filled with adrenaline, and most importantly ready to get the fuck out of there so I manage to transfer into a hospital wheelchair despite the dizzying-nearly-black-out-ness of the pain level 10 that creates, and then do the same again at the taxi***, and the same again when we get to Rambo's Dad's.

Long story short: I'm stuck in bed at Rambo's Dad's (where I have no air machine because he wouldn't approve). I can't sleep, because lying anywhere but on my back bumps my pain up to a 10, and trying to sleep on my back causes my brain to think I'm falling for some reason and jolt me awake with a start which hurts like fuck. I can't eat because I can't sit up properly, and because my stomach hurts like fuck. I am managing to drink small amounts of watery squash but probably not enough to combat the dehydration from not being able to stop crying. I can't get out of bed unaided, and have nearly passed out 4 times already from attempting to go to the toilet. Every single part of me is screaming from being stuck in this position but trying to move out of it puts me back in that state of complete unawareness of anything but pain that is my 10.

I'm finding it rather hard to believe that they let me out of hospital, to be honest. Let alone insisted against both mine and Rambo's wishes.

(NOTE: Rambo's fine, by the way. In case anyone was wondering. Lucky fucker got off with a graze on his arm and nothing else. And has managed to both eat and sleep since then.)




*Don't start arguing with me about this. I don't have numbers to back this up and I can't be arsed to go looking. I'm in a lot of pain, you douche.

**It's pretty much exactly like sucking on my air machine, except it doesn't last longer than 10 seconds after they take it away from me, whereas air lasts me hours.

***No not in those words. I can't remember the exact words - everything is a pain-addled haze. I just remember the gist and no matter how politely it was put, the gist was 'get the fuck out'.

****Quick sidenote - Mr. Taxi Driver, I don't care how interesting the car crashes you want to talk about are, you do not talk about them in front of someone who has just come out of hospital from a car crash and is already absolutely terrified of the fact that she's in a car, and has politely explained this to you and asked you to fucking stop it already.

Disability Medical Reasons != Medical Reasons?

PM From ***: hey hey question!!!!!! I just saw your newest pics earlier XD is that you in the wheelchair?
PM Sent To ***: "Yup."
PM From ***: Lol. I didnt know you use a wheelchair lol
PM Sent To ***: "Well, I do. :P"
PM From ***: Lol. How come?
PM Sent To ***: "Because they're totally awesome. All the cool kids do it. ;)"
PM Sent To ***: "*cough* I mean uhh, here, have a link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ehlers-Danl os_syndrome"
PM Sent To ***: "(minus the space that TLR chat adds)"
PM From ***: Lol. All you had to say was that its medical reasons why =P
PM Sent To ***: "...Well, who the hell uses one for non-medical reasons? And what the hell ARE those reasons?"
PM From ***: Lol. I meant like disability medical reasons LOL. Ive used one cause I couldnt walk fast enough cause of my surgery LOL.
PM Sent To ***: "That's...still a medical reason."
PM From ***: XD haha. But i def didnt know lol. its cool actually lol

Uhhh...I really don't know how to feel about this conversation. At all.

EDIT: after an attempt at explaining:

PM From ***: Awwwws. Lol. Leasnt your not depressed over it (as far as I can tell) lol

Aaand another gem:

PM From ***: Hahahaha. if you like sports you shuld enter the special olympics XD

That last one would be a lot more forgiveable if I had ever once said to her that I liked sports, or even implied it. Or talked about them at all.

PM Sent To ***: "I've never liked sports. >.>"
PM From ***: LOL Okay then HAHA
PM From ***: Lol. Least your not depressed =P thats all that counts XD haha

...I give up.

Well, She Doesn't Usually, But Then She Doesn't Usually Get Poked In The Face Either

Little kid: Is that your dog?
Me: Yes
Kid: Does it bite?
Me: No, she'll only playbite if you're wrestling with her.
Kid: *proceeds to poke Moxie in the face with a stick*
Moxie: *runs away scared*
Me: Please don't do that. She's only a baby and she's scared.
Kid: *chases, still trying to poke stick in her eyes*
Moxie: Grrrrr
Kid: *continues poking her in the face*
Me: Could you please stop that? She doesn't like it!
Kid: *pokes her in the face*
Moxie: *bites, but not hard*
Kid: YOU SAID SHE WOULDN'T BITE! *runs away crying*
Me: ...

I Think I Preferred The Sales Calls

So, there's a knock on the door, and I'm home alone so I have to get up to answer it despite feeling very faint and not very steady on my feet (and still being in my pyjamas). I'm not best pleased about this but figure 'hey, it could be a parcel!' (I get all excited about them)

Guy at door: *speaking very quickly* Hello! I'm with the British Red Cross!
Me: *tries to get a word in edgeways to say that I have no money to give them* I'm sorry, I-
Guy: *still speaking quickly* Don't worry! We're not after your money! I just wanted to tell you about the vital work that we do around here! You're probably not aware of this but did you know that within a three-mile radius of your home there are roughly twenty sick or disabled people who need our help?!
Me: *finding it very difficult to stay standing* Actually, I-
Guy: We're on constant alert for these people in case they fall or faint or have strokes or accidents in their home!
Me: *worried I'm about to faint, finding it very difficult to concentrate on what he's saying* ...
Guy: *carries on ranting about disabled people to me* (lack of comprehension prevents me from telling you what he was saying here)
Me: *tries to get another word in edgeways* Excu-
Guy: *talks over me*
Me: ... *gives up and leans against wall to try and keep balance and consciousness*
Guy: *finally finishes rant* So, have you been out at work today or are you just having a leisurely day off?
Me: Actually, I don't work, as I'm disabled myself, and I *really* quite badly need to go sit down now. *stumbles back a few steps to collapse on the wheelchair behind me*
Guy: ...
Me: ... *too busy waiting for get my head to settle down and my blood pressure to normalise to talk*
Guy: Uhh, I'm very sorry. *walks off*

Sometimes Sales Calls Amuse Me

Salesperson: Hi this is **** from 3 the phone company. Can I just ask if you're on pay as you go or contract?
Me: Neither. I don't have a mobile.
Salesperson: ... *looking through script*
Me: ...
Salesperson: Uhhh...Uhmmm... *panicking as this response isn't in there*
Me: ...
Salesperson: ...Does anyone else in your house have one?
Me: No! *lying*
Salesperson: Oh, well, thank you very much for your time! *hangs up*

I ran out of words

...but it's okay, because Rambo understands me anyway.

Me: Sugar?
Rambo: What?
Me: Su...gar? *holds out mug*
Rambo: Okay, I'll go put the kettle on. *takes mug*
Me: Sugah!
Rambo: Do you need me to put some words in this?
Me: Sugar? *headtilt*
Rambo: You want words in your tea, or are you just low on blood sugar?
Me: Sugarrrrr.
Rambo: Well, you seem to be down to your last word, so I'll put some words in this.
Me: Sugah! *smiles*
Rambo: (to Moxie) Do you have any words for your Mommy?
Moxie: *shakes self*
Rambo: So that's a no, then?
Me: NO! SUGAH!
Rambo: *laughs, and goes off to make tea*

March 26

I couldn't make it to the march today, but I've been cheering you all on and watching news and twitter feeds. I'm so proud of you all and so glad that I can still watch from my sofa. Here's a collection of the best pics from twitter today. <3

And a song to listen to while you look through:



Trojan horse in Oxford Circus
I was told there would be biscuits
There are no short cuts to anywhere worth going/Don't ruin my future/How do you sleep at night?
I wish my boyfriend was as dirty as your policies
Cutting is for emo kids
David: How on earth do you sleep at night?
Now you've pissed off Grandma
Listen to the people's rage
Let this be a sign!
Dear Con Dems, this relationship just isn't working for me
Can't cut this, Gideon
Coincidence? I think not
David & George, sitting in a tree, C-U-T-T-I-N-G
ConDems - putting the 'n' into 'cuts'
Lies lies lies
The Cunt
Marching on behalf of those that can't
Resist, Protest, Occupy (drink tea)
Torys are a pain in the arts
White male Northern middle-class post-graduate science students against the cuts!
It's a trap!
Close tax loopholes, not schools, pools + hospitools
Please look after this country, thank you
It's my birthday! If you are going to kettle me there had better be cake involved!
Stop cutting ker now
People actually hate you!
Cut yourself
Bury action group - No cuts to jobs or services
Even the Count knows this doesn't add up!
Why did Nick Clegg cross the road? Because he said he wouldn't.
Let them eat cake, Con Dem the poor
Liverpool remembers
Yucky government
Does anyone else miss Gordon?
[citation needed]
Our society is bigger than your society
Oi! Tories! Leave our cake alone!
Generation for change / There is a better way
Save our NHS a sign of Civilization
Same boat my arse
Governments can be toppled
Ow man, ya divin knaarr wat ya deein
My sign's shit. So are your policies
Fucked from the start

If anyone has any more - please share in the comments!