Seriously. Mucho self-loathing. Shall I enlighten you as to why?
...
Moxie kept shouting about various things. Rambo asked her why she felt the entire world needed to know about the injustices of her not being allowed a cup of tea. I made a joke that she should be on twitter, so she could inform the world of everything she wants to shout about. Rambo agreed with me, and convinced me to make her one.
...
Seriously. Moxie has a twitter.
MoxieThePuppy
Please kill me now.
Sunday 24 October 2010
Tuesday 19 October 2010
Bleh
I don't understand how the fuck I'm ever meant to get benefits sorted out when the very idea of wading through bureaucracy makes me burst into tears and they insist on doing everything over the phone. I cannot talk whilst I'm crying. It doesn't fucking work.
I'm so pissed off with myself right now because I've been trying to make phone calls for weeks now and every time I fucking try I end up crying before anyone even picks up the phone and then hang up as quickly as I fucking can.
I am actually, physically, SCARED of phone calls. That makes no fucking sense.
I am pathetic and I hate myself.
I NEED to get these sorted, my shortfall on rent is about £265/month at the minute and there's no way I can afford to pay other bills. I'm stretching it just buying food, and I've only been eating 1 or 2 meals a day for a long time now...
Trying to cope with low blood sugar and ridiculous tiredness and dizziness that causes probably isn't helping matters.
I'm so pissed off with myself right now because I've been trying to make phone calls for weeks now and every time I fucking try I end up crying before anyone even picks up the phone and then hang up as quickly as I fucking can.
I am actually, physically, SCARED of phone calls. That makes no fucking sense.
I am pathetic and I hate myself.
I NEED to get these sorted, my shortfall on rent is about £265/month at the minute and there's no way I can afford to pay other bills. I'm stretching it just buying food, and I've only been eating 1 or 2 meals a day for a long time now...
Trying to cope with low blood sugar and ridiculous tiredness and dizziness that causes probably isn't helping matters.
Wednesday 13 October 2010
WTF
Moxie's not quite house-trained yet. This is partly due to me not always being able to jump up and take her to the newspaper/outside when she needs me to and partly due to Rambo just watching her when she wees on the floor and going 'Ohhhhh Moxiiiieee...' but not actually doing anything about it so she thinks he's condoning it. And then not cleaning it up so the whole fucking house smells like a toilet to her.
I'm doing the best I can, when I'm able to, and cleaning things up when I see them, but I can't do it alone and I need his help. But every time I tell him that he goes 'Help? HELP?! You want me to do it all myself! That's not me helping, that's me doing it and you helping!' Because apparently he's incapable of seeing that I do things.
Anyhow, she's getting there slowly. She mostly goes on the newspaper and she won't go on carpet or furniture at all - just the kitchen and living floors that are easy to clean. She just gets confused about the rest of it. She's only three months old, I've known dogs take far longer to be house-trained, but it's pissing Rambo off.
So about last night...I had a dislocated ankle, was laid up on the sofa unable to move, and the house was pretty quiet. I worry about it being quiet when she's not in sight as it usually means she's found something out of sight to chew, so I call her. She doesn't respond. Rambo refuses to move because he's busy playing computer games*. Hour and a half later I get my ankle to stay in place long enough for me to hobble upstairs to bed, Rambo comes with me. We open the bedroom door to find a poor little puppy who managed to trap herself in there, tail wagging like mad as she's so happy to be free and have her people back. Problem is, as she's been stuck in there for an hour and a half, she's pood on the carpet. Not something she'd normally do and she was stuck for God's sake, but Rambo sees that, flips out screaming 'FUCKING DOG' at her and then KICKS her. With shoes on.
She yelps and runs to her mommy for protection, I scream at him, comfort her, and start crying. He cleans it up and storms off. Me and Moxie go to bed and I lock the bedroom door because people who kick puppies don't get to sleep in the bed with me.
...I then cry for hours, thinking about things. Rambo's always had a nasty temper and it's scary enough when he's just kicking doors and punching computer monitors and walls, but to kick the PUPPY? It's noon the next day and he's still not said a word of apology or to even acknowledge that what he did was wrong. I'm...not sure I can live with that. You don't kick dogs. You especially don't kick defenceless little puppies. What the FUCK was he thinking?
This is the first time I've actually seriously considered leaving him, and it scared the fuck out of me because there is no way I could take care of myself, let alone Moxie. I did it for that one week but I struggled so fucking much and I was only able to cope because I knew he was coming back and I could just ignore most things and leave it for him to fix afterwards. I can't go live with my Dad as there's no room. I don't really want to go live with anyone else as I'm pretty sure nobody else knows just how bad I am these days and they won't know what they're getting themselves into and I don't want to be a burden.
EDIT: He apologised, and promised to never ever ever do it again. He's not so great at keeping promises though, and if he breaks this one I don't think he's going to get another chance.
*Don't get me fucking started on that. He keeps starting up instances when he's in the middle of something like cooking dinner and then getting pissed off at me when an hour later I go '...weren't you cooking dinner? Shouldn't you check on that?' and shouts at me that he's busy, so I go check on the charcoal instead, get pissed off and make my own food. Now, I don't mind making my own food, but when he's cooking I figure I don't have to, and when he's cooking he usually makes the food that I can't which means I can't really take over halfway through when he decides an instance run would be more fun.
I'm doing the best I can, when I'm able to, and cleaning things up when I see them, but I can't do it alone and I need his help. But every time I tell him that he goes 'Help? HELP?! You want me to do it all myself! That's not me helping, that's me doing it and you helping!' Because apparently he's incapable of seeing that I do things.
Anyhow, she's getting there slowly. She mostly goes on the newspaper and she won't go on carpet or furniture at all - just the kitchen and living floors that are easy to clean. She just gets confused about the rest of it. She's only three months old, I've known dogs take far longer to be house-trained, but it's pissing Rambo off.
So about last night...I had a dislocated ankle, was laid up on the sofa unable to move, and the house was pretty quiet. I worry about it being quiet when she's not in sight as it usually means she's found something out of sight to chew, so I call her. She doesn't respond. Rambo refuses to move because he's busy playing computer games*. Hour and a half later I get my ankle to stay in place long enough for me to hobble upstairs to bed, Rambo comes with me. We open the bedroom door to find a poor little puppy who managed to trap herself in there, tail wagging like mad as she's so happy to be free and have her people back. Problem is, as she's been stuck in there for an hour and a half, she's pood on the carpet. Not something she'd normally do and she was stuck for God's sake, but Rambo sees that, flips out screaming 'FUCKING DOG' at her and then KICKS her. With shoes on.
She yelps and runs to her mommy for protection, I scream at him, comfort her, and start crying. He cleans it up and storms off. Me and Moxie go to bed and I lock the bedroom door because people who kick puppies don't get to sleep in the bed with me.
...I then cry for hours, thinking about things. Rambo's always had a nasty temper and it's scary enough when he's just kicking doors and punching computer monitors and walls, but to kick the PUPPY? It's noon the next day and he's still not said a word of apology or to even acknowledge that what he did was wrong. I'm...not sure I can live with that. You don't kick dogs. You especially don't kick defenceless little puppies. What the FUCK was he thinking?
This is the first time I've actually seriously considered leaving him, and it scared the fuck out of me because there is no way I could take care of myself, let alone Moxie. I did it for that one week but I struggled so fucking much and I was only able to cope because I knew he was coming back and I could just ignore most things and leave it for him to fix afterwards. I can't go live with my Dad as there's no room. I don't really want to go live with anyone else as I'm pretty sure nobody else knows just how bad I am these days and they won't know what they're getting themselves into and I don't want to be a burden.
EDIT: He apologised, and promised to never ever ever do it again. He's not so great at keeping promises though, and if he breaks this one I don't think he's going to get another chance.
*Don't get me fucking started on that. He keeps starting up instances when he's in the middle of something like cooking dinner and then getting pissed off at me when an hour later I go '...weren't you cooking dinner? Shouldn't you check on that?' and shouts at me that he's busy, so I go check on the charcoal instead, get pissed off and make my own food. Now, I don't mind making my own food, but when he's cooking I figure I don't have to, and when he's cooking he usually makes the food that I can't which means I can't really take over halfway through when he decides an instance run would be more fun.
Friday 8 October 2010
Poor Dogs
I've always known that the vast majority of dog owners don't really know what the hell they're doing with their dogs, but it's been thrown in my face a lot more than normal since I've been out walking Moxie, and it's really starting to get to me.
Y'see, right now Moxie's in a rather rebellious stage where she's testing her limits - like a little kid that's just learned how to say 'no' to her parents - yet still, every single person she meets is amazed at how well behaved she is. Now, if I have to call her six times to get her to come back, that's not good behaviour. That's her deliberately ignoring me the first five times. She heard me, she knows what that command means, she was testing how badly behaved she could be before her Mommy got really mad.
But these comments of amazement are coming from people who have to keep their dogs on leads the entire time, because they can't trust them to be well behaved off the lead. News flash, people: Dogs do not know what is good and what is bad until you teach them the difference. You can't expect them to follow commands if you never teach them what the command means and if you only ever let them off the lead once in a blue moon of course they're going to take that chance to run amok - because in their experience the second they come back to you they go straight back on the lead and aren't allowed off for months. That's not punishing their bad behaviour, no matter what you might think. They don't connect the two. They just know that every now and then they're allowed to have some fun, so they make the most of it whilst they can. Wouldn't you do the same?
At three months old Moxie is better trained than 95% of the dogs she meets. This depresses me, especially because I know damn well that Moxie is nowhere near as well trained as she should be - as she could be if I had the spoons for it. I do the best I can with what I have, and hopefully she'll be well-trained enough by the time she's grown big that I won't have to hurt myself training her and she won't hurt me out of ignorance, but she has the potential for so much more. As do all dogs. Every dog deserves to be well-trained; it makes their lives so much better. It means no being told off for things they don't understand, no being locked in rooms or outside when visitors come over, no being stuck on a lead having to watch dogs like Moxie run around and play and not being able to join in. It's not their fault, and it breaks my heart when people tell me their dogs are naughty and can't be trusted. No dog is inherently naughty, they just don't know any better.
I know it's not really considered mean or cruel to keep your dog on a leash etc but it really does upset me. They deserve better.
(It also upsets Moxie. She's a very sociable little puppy and doesn't want to go to the park to play with balls or sticks; she wants to go to play with dogs and she's very rarely allowed to do so. Even the ones allowed off the lead are usually dragged away from her and put back on it the second they start to play because the owners seem to think that that's 'being naughty' as well.)
Y'see, right now Moxie's in a rather rebellious stage where she's testing her limits - like a little kid that's just learned how to say 'no' to her parents - yet still, every single person she meets is amazed at how well behaved she is. Now, if I have to call her six times to get her to come back, that's not good behaviour. That's her deliberately ignoring me the first five times. She heard me, she knows what that command means, she was testing how badly behaved she could be before her Mommy got really mad.
But these comments of amazement are coming from people who have to keep their dogs on leads the entire time, because they can't trust them to be well behaved off the lead. News flash, people: Dogs do not know what is good and what is bad until you teach them the difference. You can't expect them to follow commands if you never teach them what the command means and if you only ever let them off the lead once in a blue moon of course they're going to take that chance to run amok - because in their experience the second they come back to you they go straight back on the lead and aren't allowed off for months. That's not punishing their bad behaviour, no matter what you might think. They don't connect the two. They just know that every now and then they're allowed to have some fun, so they make the most of it whilst they can. Wouldn't you do the same?
At three months old Moxie is better trained than 95% of the dogs she meets. This depresses me, especially because I know damn well that Moxie is nowhere near as well trained as she should be - as she could be if I had the spoons for it. I do the best I can with what I have, and hopefully she'll be well-trained enough by the time she's grown big that I won't have to hurt myself training her and she won't hurt me out of ignorance, but she has the potential for so much more. As do all dogs. Every dog deserves to be well-trained; it makes their lives so much better. It means no being told off for things they don't understand, no being locked in rooms or outside when visitors come over, no being stuck on a lead having to watch dogs like Moxie run around and play and not being able to join in. It's not their fault, and it breaks my heart when people tell me their dogs are naughty and can't be trusted. No dog is inherently naughty, they just don't know any better.
I know it's not really considered mean or cruel to keep your dog on a leash etc but it really does upset me. They deserve better.
(It also upsets Moxie. She's a very sociable little puppy and doesn't want to go to the park to play with balls or sticks; she wants to go to play with dogs and she's very rarely allowed to do so. Even the ones allowed off the lead are usually dragged away from her and put back on it the second they start to play because the owners seem to think that that's 'being naughty' as well.)
Sunday 3 October 2010
Cookie Monster
I did not make these cookies strong enough! Having to eat waaay too much to get pain relief now - bringing a whole new meaning to the words 'comfort food'.
...I'm sorry, that was terrible. I'll leave you alone before all of your groanings give me a headache.
...I'm sorry, that was terrible. I'll leave you alone before all of your groanings give me a headache.
Friday 1 October 2010
Yay
Rambo's home. Sort of. He was here for less than two hours before he had to go to work and now I have to wait until this evening to see him again.
It's alright though - he brought me painkillers and I am making cookies. I would prefer faster ways of ingesting painkillers but I really don't like smoking. I did just have a look at the bank account though and as most of the money in it is my DLA that just got paid, and as pain relief is a vital part of care, I just put in an order for a vaporiser pipe...and some seeds. Can't wait.
Monster-psycho-puppy has all kinds of energy right now though and is making it difficult to type this up, but it's pouring down with rain outside and she really wouldn't like going out in it - not least because there'll be no-one else out in it and the whole reason she likes the park is because of all the other interesting people and dogs there for her to play with.
Maybe the park will be more interesting now that she'll actually be able to walk around it? I've been limping to the nearest bench and then just sitting there for a half hour while she runs around greeting every person/dog who comes near us. I get the feeling she will like Rambo-walks a lot more.
It's alright though - he brought me painkillers and I am making cookies. I would prefer faster ways of ingesting painkillers but I really don't like smoking. I did just have a look at the bank account though and as most of the money in it is my DLA that just got paid, and as pain relief is a vital part of care, I just put in an order for a vaporiser pipe...and some seeds. Can't wait.
Monster-psycho-puppy has all kinds of energy right now though and is making it difficult to type this up, but it's pouring down with rain outside and she really wouldn't like going out in it - not least because there'll be no-one else out in it and the whole reason she likes the park is because of all the other interesting people and dogs there for her to play with.
Maybe the park will be more interesting now that she'll actually be able to walk around it? I've been limping to the nearest bench and then just sitting there for a half hour while she runs around greeting every person/dog who comes near us. I get the feeling she will like Rambo-walks a lot more.
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